I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
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An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Worst perfume name ever.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.