PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.