My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
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*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
What fresh Hell is this?!?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.