One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Oh hi lol
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.