According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
the three branches of government
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Mood.. 😂
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Strangers have the best candy.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.