me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
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We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me too 😆
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Is this the real life?
Is this just
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!