Its true…
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CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
pep talk
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.