FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
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I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I feel seen.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.