– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
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she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands