When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
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Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car