Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
You Might Also Like
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Always
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.