Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
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I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
the red hot silly peppers
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.