ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
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Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*orders delivery*
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.