My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
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People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!