[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
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An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.