me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
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When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Not messing around
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.