[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
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Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
so i’m at the stock market right
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.