Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
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Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.