When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
You deplete me
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Previously On Persistence 😎
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void