My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Eggs benadryl my favourite
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.