[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
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Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
BaD BoY!!
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.