*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
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My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
the noise i just made
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!