[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Ok but actually
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I’d love this…lol
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset