My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Before & after 😅
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose