If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?