GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
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Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Wake me when AI does housework
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.