I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.