You can’t outrun your problems…
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Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Okay me first
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Seems a bit forward
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.