[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
You Might Also Like
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.