Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
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I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.