I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
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Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
New mindset, who dis?
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.