Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*