I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Practicing safe sax
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…