My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth