I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
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If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up