What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
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My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you