My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
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This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Oh no
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
How I’d get arrested…
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread