<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I’m not stressed
inside you are two wolves
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Always a metermaid never a meter
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.