Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
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i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.