Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
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I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.