Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
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Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Livid.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Bring back the McRib
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.