Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
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Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.