Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
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If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me trying to look natural in photos
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
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The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs