Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.