Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
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I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Bruh PLEASE
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.