My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
hear me out : pockets for your socks
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Animal poetry
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far