Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
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If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
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Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I gave up going to work for lent.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no