“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
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[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.