Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
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Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.