You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
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I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree